This blog is undoubtedly going to offend hella readers but it's something I care so strongly about that I'm willing to risk it. Everyone has already chosen sides in this hotly contested debate so rather than put out a persuasive argument I'm going to do what comes naturally to me….bitch and complain as though somebody gives a rat's ass so please feel free to comment.
Let's start out with a question posed to the bicyclists out there: Who in God's name appointed you as the ruler of city streets? What I'd like to hear is an answer that will explain the aggressive behavior bicyclist's show to every moving thing whether it has wheels or feet and sometimes even paws. In fact, their only consistency is their ability to get angry at jerk-faced drivers as well as moms pushing carriages. The world is not out to get you folks, believe me, if you could just calm yourselves down for a second and breathe…woosahhhh…you might realize that you were going an unacceptable speed limit for something with such little visibility. That's right, I said it, and you are in the wrong, frequently at that. The point of this paragraph, get it straight that you are riding a bicycle, seriously, in the madness of a city a bicycle is not that easy to see.
OK, question number 2 surrounds smugness, as it relates to smogness: What impact is your bicycling having on the world around us? This question I need to tread lightly on because I like mother Earth but its no secret that bicyclists like to remind the world that their bicycle is keeping another car off the street. In many cases that is true, but as this point relates to the theme of my blog it couldn't be more untrue. The bicyclists I am talking about are those who can't afford a car and resort to bicycling as a means of making money or saving some dough. For the rest of you who ride a bike and own a car which they use more frequently than their bike, the 8 times a month you use your bike instead of your car isn't really reversing the downward spiral going on in our environment. It's fine to tell people that riding a bicycle helps reduce pollution, any message that would cut down on traffic and exhaust is great, but stop getting angry at buses that are doing way more to cut down on pollution than you'll ever do.
My grand finale question relates to fashion, this one is a bit of a tangent: Can no one on a bicycle dress normal, I mean come on bicyclists, read a magazine or watch some TV to get some tips? This refers to both demographics of bicyclists, the ones who are broke and have no sellable skills and to people with too much time and money on their hands. To me it seems that in order to take bicycle riding seriously you either have to get nonsensical and abrasive tattoos on your calves or be color blind to the point that you think purple orange and green make a sweet combo. False, very super hella false. If you ride a bike for a job then perhaps you can try dressing in a somewhat more distinguished way. Now I am in no way saying ride a bike in a suit but since your job is to go into people's workplaces then maybe you can pretend for a second that you're not a miscreant and that you take your work seriously. Everyone knows you're still going to sit at the corner of Market and Battery and get high with the rest of the up and comers but you can do all this and blend in, slightly. For those of you who have a 9-5 job and enjoy cycling as a sport then you too can benefit from a style upgrade. It's understandable that you need to wear certain clothes because it makes you streamlined and prevents against unsightly and uncomfortable rashes, totally cool with me. But at the same time some of the shit that you wear is so damn ugly, and clothes do make the person, that it really makes you think about what that person chooses to wear when they're not tearing up the streets. Red, yellow and fluorescent green is not and never will be cool to wear, period. Buy something tasteful that doesn't scream "I have too much money and I don't care if you know it" and spare the rest of us the temporary blindness that happens when we see you flying by.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that most of you can tell that this topic is one that I've been waiting to write about for a while, just like my seafood diatribe. I don't want anyone to think that I sit here in my underground dungeon and think about things I hate cuz it's not true. What I do like, and feel the need to spread the word about, is that some things completely lack common sense and any basis in reality, and if you don't agree then say something or turn this lava lamp off.