The following event took place in
Scene: Eric is visiting his parents back home in what they think is a normal reunion of immediate family members, Eric’s testament to sustaining family ties and securing a place at the Big Boys table for Christmas Dinner. Little known, Eric had some big news to break to Mother Hen and Big Papa.
Mom, Dad and Son are walking along Fisherman’s Wharf in
From a bystander’s perspective Eric is clearly agitated and anxiety ridden. Something needs to come out.
Eric stops walking and looks to the ground. He takes a deep breathe and….
Mom: Have you seen that monkey that plays with you and actually does flips? Monkeys are so funny. They’re half human you know.
Eric: Yeah mom I’ve seen the monkey. It’s actually sorta cruel. Anyway please take a seat. I have something to tell you and Dad.
So something has happened in the last week that I think you should know.
Dad: What shun?
Eric: Well Mom…Dad….I’ve joined a Blog Network. We call ourselves the Garage Sale Blog Network.
Mom: OH MY GOD!!!!! (Cries out to the Lord) Why? Why us?
Dad: ‘Bout time you joined a gang. A man needs colors to stand by.
Eric: It’s quite the different outfit than your Sureño gang Dad. We’re more discriminate in our violence and drug use.
Mom: Why? Why son?
Eric: Best I can describe it mom is this:
Most blogging networks are just about the sex, drugs and groupies.
Let me just say a word about blog network groupies. They beg to line up behind your computer when you’re writing your next entry. Lines of ‘em. The girls in the back row throw up their bras and panties. The entry only takes about thirty minutes to write but it’s amazing when you’re writing it. The bad day at work, the ex girlfriend, the weight gain…all disappear for those thirty minutes while you’re writing that entry….the groupies are just chanting your name “ERIC ERIC ERIC!!!!” There’s nothing like those final seconds when you spell check the entry and it only finds a couple of spelling errors and like one fragment sentence – and the crowd just goes crazy.
They say things like “Fuck it! Post it – Post that shit!!!!!!!!!!!”
Sometimes I just post…you know….close my eyes and post…no double spell check…no proof read by other GSBN members…just post.
Mom: But why did you join?
Eric: Well mom I guess it dates back to high school. I mean I come home and want to brag about my good grades in AP English…who was home? Who was there for me? The blog was.
My first time having sex. I wanted to share it with people I loved. The blog was the only thing that cared.
Christmas time. Cold. Lonely. Blog.
Dad: Well how do you get jumped in. Do you have a dance? Who do you battle?
Eric: Well I had to write an entry and get at least 50 visits for the day or I’d get beaten senseless with PDA’s, old PC’s and a slew of other computer accessories. The iPhone logo on my lower back isn’t a tramp stamp…it’s from that day…the iPhone is a magnificent display of smart phone prowess…but it was also what they used to hit me hardest.
We battle other networks at major events in the city. If mother fuckers think they can live blog an event faster, more accurately and in a more stimulating way than the GSBN than we’ll yell “Clear out….Clear out!!!” and a guy from our network break dances vs. a guy from their network usually on cardboard. The bloggers from both squads live blog the event and describe all the fancy moves in progress. “Zizzle aka Transistor Radio is early bird getting the worming it!!” Would be one example of describing Transistor Radio doing the worm.
Dad: Daddy Badge it or you’re gonna be a jail bird and come back a Dezmond! Yadda?
Eric: I don’t know why you talk to me like that Dad. I have no idea what that means.
Mom: The monkey even takes pennies from you and puts them in the tip jar.