The Sun Tan Diet - Ari (Lava Lamp)

It's no secret that in our culture we value a good healthy tan.  There are numerous ways to both naturally and artificially achieve the perfect bronze coloring.  People who aren't even intended to tan (you know who you are) spend time outside with either Formula 50 SPF on their bodies or a giant hat so big it blocks out all direct sunlight for a ten foot radius just to put on a show so that people think they like the sun.  You even catch sun revelers born with the natural gift of color hanging out soaking in the rays when you know it's not doing them any good except to provide them with a chance to rub it in a little.  But what is our obsession with the sun and why do people spend ridiculous amounts of money searching for the perfect shade of skin?

There are a few obvious reasons why tanning makes sense;

• first and foremost it makes all your hard work in the gym come to life.  The right tan will accentuate your muscular definition and give you that oh so familiar reminder of that time you looked at yourself in the mirror at the gym and for a split second it looked like your abs made a six pack only to realize it was the result of the lighting in the gym.  Damn, why in the hell have I been doing crunches for the past 5 years with no results, it's not like it feels good or is fun!!!!!  So a tan can essentially be nature's imperfect lighting but instead of it being confined to the gym it is available outside in the "real world".
• Who wants some Vitamin D…I do.  I don't even know if you can get Vitamin D if not for the sun, consequently I don't know why Vitamin D is good for you but let's just assume anything with Vitamin in front of it is good for you.  People who tan are awash in Vitamin D, possibly dangerously awash in Vitamin D but we'll deal with that when we're 68 years old.
• If people didn't tan I'm pretty sure magazines like People, Star, Entertainment and other celebrity trash mags would cease to exist causing the economy to crumble worse than this whole credit crisis shenanigan.  When you're outside tanning you can barely stand to read more than five sentences in a row because you need to stare at that guy/girl who just walked by out of the corner of your eye.  Luckily celebrity trash mags allow you to get your news in 5 sentences or less and provide convenient cover when creepily staring at people way out of your league.
• Beer likes the sun…I like beer therefore I like the sun, I think we learned that in high school geometry.  You might be thinking, wait just one gosh darn second Ari, sun makes my beer warm and warm beer taste terrible and is uncomfortable to drink.  Its true, sun directly on beer ruins beer but if you can find a way to drink your beer in less than ten minutes instead of babysitting your beer because you're too cheap to buy another then you'll realize that you need to stop blaming the sun.  If anything the sun is helping you get your drink on, reminding you that maybe it's time to freshen your drink gov'ner.

 

OK, I realize I migrated from potentially criticizing tanning to complementing tanning to deifying the sun like they used to do back in Montezuma's times.  My bad, nobody said there had to rhyme or reason here.  However, in conclusion, we like tanning and the sun because we like looking skinny when we know we're not, we like Vitamin D despite having no idea what good it does, we like reading news in under one minute and we especially like regulating our drinking.  So go out there and don't be shy even if you're Casper the Ghost or "just born with it".  The sun loves all of God's creatures, and I'm pretty if there is a God that this omnipresent being wouldn't want you showing up all pale because God and every mother on earth knows you have time to get your Vitamins.

Comments

[NASA Larry]

"We'll deal with that when we're 68 years old." A little late for some of your senior readers.

Whcih leads to the following Koan: What is the sound of one tanned hand clapping?

[Chief Joseph]

Thanks for the shout out douche, for it was I, Chief Joseph, who illuminated you to the beauty of our Chef God in the Sky.

[Joe the Dog Lover]

I've read were we need at least 10 minutes of sun a day for our minds as well.