It happens every day. You're at work minding your own business, not bothering anyone, and someone sends an email or does something stupid to make you angry. Unfortunately, there are a multitude of reasons why it is inappropriate to fire back an angry email response in return. We still have to work with these people, HR may be in the way, or even worse, it could be addressed at our boss. So...what to do?
It has become customary to hide expletives and disguise them as business jargon to get your point across without getting fired. Here are some prime examples:
1. Ending your email with "Kind Regards" - This is code for "F@&% you very much" Its formal enough to convey a sense of harshness under the wool blanket of the word, "kind." There's nothing "kind" about "Kind Regards", its more like, "regards from a place where the sun don't shine!"
2. "Thank you for your response, HOWEVER..." - In this case, the word "however" is the whind up for a big insult that you can't say because you're at work. Its like you can almost see the expletives hidden between punctuation. HOWEVER..you're stupid and that idea would never work! There I said it, and I feel much better!
3. Thanks! :) - This translation is simple. :) = flipping someone the bird. Sometimes it can also be translated into "Thanks @$$-hole!"
4. "In the future, _______" - This blank can be filled in with a number of choices:
In the future, learn how to follow simple directions.
In the future, please run this by me before you reply to all.
In the future, I hope you are swallowed by bears.
5. "We regret to inform you" - This means, "It makes my day to inform you that your idea has been rejected, and I can't even believe that you would make such a request. You have some serious nerve thinking you can just come in here and get what you want, and NO...you can't have it! HAHAHAHAHAHA...sucker!!!!!
6. "Can you please..." - When you see this from your co-workers, it can very well mean just as it suggests, a simple request. When you see it from your boss it means, "do it or you're fired!!"
I hope this has been a helpful tutorial of workplace emails.
Leya the Russian Stamp!