Still thinking about the Summer Olympics? Ya, me too….
So the Summer Olympics ended a little over a week ago, and I am still surprised at the coverage that is still being dedicated to the games (more specifically, the coverage on Michael Phelps’s love life or endorsement deals). So it got me thinking about the games themselves, and what sports matches were hyped up over others, which sports made the cut, and which sports will be cut after these Olympics. Upon concluding hours and hours of research on the history of the Olympics (aka one, maybe two Wiki articles and an errant Google search), I have come up with a list of sports that I think should be added, cut, or brought back to the grand old tradition that are the Olympics. Because dammit, isn’t this what global unity is all about?
Sports that should be CUT:
Ping Pong: Not that I have anything against Ping Pong, I just think it’s not an Olympic worthy sport. Can you imagine the ancient Greeks seriously playing this game (totally naked wearing wreathes on their heads, naturally)? No, because it’s just a game of really solid hand-eye coordination. If this stays in, why not put in Wii Golf or something. Same thing, right? And no, it’s not Table Tennis, it’s freaking PING PONG, and get over it.
Canoeing: It’s a damn camping trip activity, not a sport. Try to say this out loud and in all seriousness: “I’m a professional Canoer”. Now think about how dumb you sound. NEXT.
Handball: I played handball in the 3rd grade and totally dominated (or so my Mom tells me). Maybe I can be on the Olympic team too.
Badminton: I don’t actually think that Badminton should be out of the games. It is one of the most underrated and hilarious sports to watch. These athletes have a serving speed of about 90 on a tennis court, yet the birdie travels at a breakneck speed of what seems like .5mph. Come one, you know you secretly loved watching this sport too.
So agile, such grace. HOW IS THIS NOT HILARIOUS?!
Sports that should be ADDED/BROUGHT BACK:
Lacrosse: Yes, I’m super biased; I played in high school and college. This is more of a sport than Ping Pong on every level imaginable. It’s also gaining popularity worldwide, as well as its super fast paced and only for the truly most badass athletes. Point: Erika the Goldfish
Rugby: Holy crap, have you ever seen a Rugby game and not thought “WTF is going ON?!” Those guys (and ladies) are so f’ing brutal and beastly how can it not be a recognized Olympic sport? Oh wait, gotta make room for those hard core Fencers…
The Bear Grylls Marathon: You race against Bear in the Louisiana Swamp (or Outer Mongolia) and you try your damn hardest not to be totally embarrassed and humiliated by his total awesomeness. Points awarded for how much game you catch and eat raw, how many liters of your own urine you drink and how many times you look in the camera and say “When I get into situations like this, I like to think of my wife and kids, they keep me motivated and alive.”
Kickball: Oh yes, I said it. But it has to be the way that kickball is really played: totally sloshed. Flip cup tournaments and chug-offs determine the winner in sudden death. Hey, there is SOME running involved, and I know plenty of people who have broken limbs or gotten some nasty grass burns from sliding into plates while all hopped up on Faderade. Now THAT is dedication to sport.
Any other additions or subtractions are welcome. I recently heard that London is bringing back Softball for their games, which I am really pumped about (most of the team is from my alma mater, BEAR DOWN Arizona!), and still cutting baseball, which I am alright with. Until then, I will be training for the inevitable inclusion of Kickball into the games with fervor and spirit, so I can represent the U.S.A. in all its drunken glory.