I had a plan; granted I’m not a huge believer in new years resolutions, I was going to write about the few that I made for my self last week (ride my bike more, stop dating guys with serious ex-girlfriend issues, abuse my friends in-apartment laundry more often, etc), but then I went grocery shopping and HOLY HELL WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?!
I know grocery shopping on a Monday night is an awful idea, if not the worst idea in the history of mankind, but I was dropping off some things at a friends house in the Marina and thought, “well, I do need some salsa….”
BAD MOVE KIMOSABE. I did it wrong. Epic FAIL. Any other euphemisms to describe what a terrible choice this was. And here is why:
PARKING LOT: The Marina Safeway has what can be described as quite possibly the worst designed parking lot in the whole Western hemisphere. Not only is it always jammed with asshole drivers, but also clueless pedestrians. I almost ran over 2 elderly ladies, 1 family whose kids decided that running in zig-zaggy circles was an awesome idea, and 2 couples who were just chatting it up in the middle of the lane. BEEP BEEP ASSHAT, I’M COMING THROUGH.
INSIDE BUILDING: I thought I was going to have an aneurism. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Don’t you come to the store with some sort of “plan of attack” like normal humans?? 98% of Safeways are built the exact same; it’s not hard to make a list, and attack the necessary aisles efficiently, and get on with your shopping. At least I thought it was that easy. Guy in the bread aisle with his cart parked right in the middle deciding if this week it’s going be whole wheat or 7-grain. Couple milling about the juices, arguing over which flavor of Capri Sun they want (Pacific Cooler vs. Cherry). Mild or sharp cheddar….HMMMM. Why is all the pasta gone? Is there a shortage on carbs? THE GREAT PASTA FAMINE OF 2009 MUST BE UPON US! LET’S MAKE A SCENE! Holy hell you people are BLOWING MY MIND RIGHT NOW! Am I the only person who took less than 10 minutes (+/- a few spent dodging completely self absorbed slow walkers and browsers) to get what I needed and get out? Apparently so.
CHECKOUT LINE: Is it just me, or are there other people out there who always get the checker in the 15 and under line that takes a century to scan produce. Seriously, how long does it HOLY CRAP is that guy STILL in the bread aisle?! WHHHYYYYYYYY?
The good news? I didn’t kill anyone. Better news? I got the last box of the pasta shells in the store. FTW.