The Garage Sale Blog Network

Mooooo-sic To My Ears! (Part 1 of ∞) - Old Stuffed Bull

Album: Love Behind the Melody

Artist: Raheem DeVaughn

Genre: Soul and R&B

Welcome to my very first Moooo-sic to My Ears Post! This is guaranteed to be a great series because I’m only reviewing music (also called Moooo-sic in Bovinglish) that I absolutely love. No BS – and trust me, I know way too much about BS (what do you expect – I’m a freaking bull). But enough about that, Let’s do a deep dive into my experience with this album, what makes this album great, and why you need to stop everything that you’re doing, find the nearest exit –if this means jumping out of a window or breaking through a wall, so be it – and pick up this CD (or however you acquire music) immediately.

First a little background: Raheem is from the Maryland/DC area. He has been on the grind hustling to make a name for himself for a cool ass minute. His first major release under a major label (he had several independent releases before signing to Jive records) The Love Experience, is a great intro into the witty, smooth and soulful grooves that Raheem can provide to you on a daily basis to put you in a good mood. It has been my experience as of late, that, in general Album #1 knocks, Album #2 is ok, but sucks worse than album #1, and Album #3 is a rebirth into the greatness that we have seen in album #1 (Sorry Kanye, Album #2 was ok, but you set the bar so damn high with album #1; Then you came back with Album #3 and almost put 50 Cent into retirement, now THAT is gangsta).

I first heard Raheem quite by accident as I was in the DC area in the summer of 2k5 and was listening to the radio while my friend Yvette was Tokyo Drifting around every corner on the way to someplace that I can’t remember (probably because I was busy holding on for dear life). Then Raheem came on, and I started to feel a little better. Isn’t it crazy how music can do that to you? Well I decided to cop that CD (yes I actually bought a real live CD – It’s good to support artist who make good music, but by all means feel free to download garbage any way you please) as soon as I got home.

Fast forward to 3 years later, and the release of his newest album totally flew under my radar. It wasn’t until I had to drive 8 hours up to a graduation with my friend Shan, that I was re-introduced to what is damn near guaranteed to be my favorite R&B album of 2008. We listened to this album, on repeat the entire ride – 8 hours up, and 8 hours back. Yeah it’s that dope.

Let’s do a blow by blow recap on each of the songs, look for a as an indicator of my absolute favorites:

1. Hello Love...

This is the high energy crescendo indicator that immediately lets you know that this album is nothing to be trifled with. What’s that you say? You only have 30 min of juice left on your ipod? Well maybe you should just wait, because after note 1 you are guaranteed to be riveted. This is a solid intro! The R&B Hippie / Neo Soul Rock star is guaranteed to rock your eardrums right out of your head… And if you conceive a baby with your old lady to track #7, as he claims you might, well I wouldn’t be surprised 

2. Woman

Generally I don’t listen to the radio. I am a picky music listener, and if I have to listen to hours of commercials, G-unit, Soulja Boy and Birdman (coooo cooo) just to get to a good song, then I’ll pass. But every once in a while, a radio hit is actually deserving of a spin or two on the 1’s and 2’s of your favorite station. In Woman Raheem outlines what he appreciates about women, why he loves women and why a strong woman is something we all should be looking for.

3. Love Drug

Now if you haven’t gotten the hint yet, Mr. Devaughn is big on crooning about LOVE! Anyone who has been in love before knows how you can get sooo wrapped up in that person – to the point where you loose friends, miss phone calls, forget important dates, and totally be addicted. Just like he says, it’s a drug that you can’t kick, and if you’re lucky, it’s a two way street. Damn, Raheem, that’s what’s up.

4. Energy

Now we get to the first of one of the more upbeat jams on this jam intensive album. I hear you saying “But Raheem likes to sing slow songs, surely he knows nothing about being upbeat”… Well prepare to have your face rocked off folks. This joint is a great example of the vocal range that Raheem really has, and how his songs just simply flow, making them immediately-sing-with-able (yeah I made that up, and I know you know what I mean). Wrap all that up and drop in a cameo from Outkast’s Big Boi and you got yourself one hell of a song.

5. Friday (Shut the Club Down)

Ok folks, This song is the new end of the week Anthem. If you haven’t heard it yet, please slap yourself. I’ll wait.

In this track, Raheem has sampled The Temptations: My Girl. But you have never ever ever ever heard it rocked like this. This song speaks to the heart and soul of the weekend. To everyone who has worked a long ass week, when the only light at the end of the tunnel is 5:00pm Friday Afternoon, Raheem has the perfect song for you. Cause if you aren’t shutting the club down on Friday night (aka Saturday Morning), then you probably didn’t work hard enough.

6. Customer

Ladies, are you prepared to get served? Well let’s get you some service… after all, you are the customer. Raheem, in his infinite desire to express his love, is serving cats in ways that Omarion and his dance crew only wish that they could do. This song reeks of passion and game. Raheem, you did it again!

7. Mo Better

Slow and Fast together at last! This song just eases out of the speakers and slides up in your eardrums. He really takes his time, but don’t think that this lovely love ballad is without beat, cause when the hook drops, you are in for a surprise. I don’t wanna ruin it, but damn when you talk about crooning – he has the market on lock. Case closed!

8. Woman I Desire – Interlude

One hell of an interlude/spoken word piece. There is good music, but there is no good-bye… so I’mma kiss that ass hello. Mmmmmm Mmmmm good.

9. Desire

Now that you’ve been prepped by track 8, you’d think that you’d be ready for track 9…nope! Raheem really grit&grinds this one out. It’s almost haunting how he is able to really get those notes just absolutely perfectly right. Desire is not something to be taken lightly

10. Midnight - Interlude

Well Midnight is the new witching hour, and if you’re in the mood for a baby-making interlude, well look no further.

11. Marathon

Now that you’re in baby-making mood, be prepared for a marathon. That’s right – as the seconds turn to minutes and the minutes to hours and time just keeps elapsing it is ON! This is some toes curled, frizzy hair, pillow doused in sweat, bodies intertwined and tangled getting it. That’s what I’m talking about!

12. Butterflies

Pull over Floetry and Michael Jackson. Raheem has KILLED the butterfly genre. This is a song for the shy folks out there. Like when you have that one person, that totally puts you off center. You can’t talk, you start to sweat, you can’t think of one witty thing to say and you discover why they call that feeling in your stomach “butterflies”. And when you’re like me and have 4 stomachs, well it just takes on a whole new meaning.

13. She's Not You

Have you ever broken off a relationship only to realize afterwards that she is now the standard of measurement that you are using when judging everyone? Raheem really captures what it feels like to realize that no one will compare to his truest love, weather she be a Maria or a Suzanne. It’s amazing how he just really captures exactly what is going on here.

14. Can We Try Again – Interlude

Now usually Interludes just get in the way of listening to real songs. But don’t get caught slippin here. The vocal range – highs and lows that are exhibited here send a chill up and down the spine.

15. Try Again

Breaking up to make up? Tis a tried-and-true lament of R&B artists throughout time. But here Raheem really kills it once again. This is a really detailed description of his experience. I mean he really paints a picture of what he’s going through here to help you understand why he would even want to try again. I really believe that he was going through hell without her. I wonder if he she ever agreed…

16. Empty

You gotta love this jam. I mean it’s reminiscent of a Dru Hill track that I can barely remember. Imagine not being able to be with the one you love. How would you feel inside, like way deep down inside? If you answered “Empty” then yeah, you really get it.

17. Four Letter Word

In this time of Bombs, shooting, killing and 4 letter explicatives, this is a return to a 4 letter word that we should spend more time focusing on. It sure would make me happier if we did. It’s that old 4 letter word.. L-O-V-E

Thank you Raheem, you killed it. Now if only we didn’t have to wait another 3 years until Album #3….

Peace,

OSB

Sincerity, Hot or Not? - Lite Bright

Somewhere in between Paris Hilton's "that's hot" proclamation, Zoolander's Mugatu saying "that Hansel, so hot right now" and the launch of the horrible website Hot or Not (www.hotornot.com) my favorite game was born.  The game is called "hot or not" and the rules are as follows:



1) A member of a group (2 or more people) calls out a noun like "beet salad".
2) The other member of the group yell out the words "hot" or "not" and give examples to back up their claim
3) The group makes a decision on whether the item is actually "hot" or "not hot"
4) Should an item dubbed "hot" come up in conversation in the next 24 hours, the group members must say "[Item Name], so hot right now." 

It's a pretty superficial game but it promotes debate and a introspective look at the world we live in.  I think this is most popular with us city folk who are always trying to be involved in the hottest foods, events, music, designers and sexual position of the day.  I find that when I meet someone new at a party, if we are both from the city, we automatically relate to each other by talking about what new restaurant we've eaten at or new venue we've checked out.

So what is on the "Hot List" these days?  Here are a few examples:

• Sustainable Restaurants
• Leafy Green Veggies
• Peanut Milk (it'll cure cancer and regrow amputated limbs)
• Blog Networks
• Twosomes

But here's the thing, I don't think the "hot or not" game should be limited to hair accessories, restaurants and nail polish colors.  We can also play "hot or not" with more intangible items like mercy, justice, and the Checks and Balance System.  If you really wanna see some creativity, ask your friends to defend the hotness of of school vouchers ("not hot" right now, by the way). 

Here is how the conversation goes:

Sue: "Justice!"
Ernie: Not hot, justice was really hot back in the biblical times and middle ages when you could chop off someone's arm if they stole an onion from you. 
Bert: Totally not hot, I really don't trust the justice system in this country.  The Supreme Court Justices don't represent my opinions and the system seems flawed.  I mean, OJ got away with murder.
Oscar: I think justice is still hot in this post-911 world.  Aren't we supposed to be supporting our troops in the pursuit of freedom.  Oh wait, that's not justice, that's just fear....
Sue: There you go, Justice, not hot right now.

 


This is a really fun game because you get to have bite sized chunks of "real talk" with your friends.  It's the fun-sized snicker bar version of deep talk and introspection.

So what do you think folks?  Have some ideas for concepts for the "hot or not" game?  Add it the comments ya'll!

Mexican or American - Chuck D Sneakers

There is an inherent social pressure or maybe just an internal desire for people to want to link themselves to a cultural background beyond just being labeled an “American”. Defining what an “American” is is another topic in itself, but what I am referring to is the want or need of “Americans” to label themselves as Italian-Americans, German-Americans…etc. Why they do it is not really important but what I find interesting is the way that people go about defining themselves. I’ve never really tried to define myself so I figured that I would try to give it a shot.

I was born in Mexico and was raised there until the age of nine when my family moved to the United States. So what does that make me? A Mexican-American, American-Mexican, Mexican or just an American? Some of my friends have told me that I’m more “white” then they are (but then again, that was my basketball playing communist atheist Jewish friend). Others have said that I’m Mexican but culturally American and others have even said that I’m a whitesican. I would probably say that I can’t relate with many Mexicans born in the states (chicanos); I would also say that I have a tough time relating with other Mexican immigrants as well as with Mexicans in Mexico, and I definitely didn’t experience a lot of the things that American kids grow up doing here in the US. So what the hell am I?

I thought that maybe if I used sports I could figure out who I really was. In a world cup soccer match between Mexico and the USA who would I root for? I would definitely have to say Mexico, so that makes me Mexican right? Wrong!! because in a basketball match between Mexico and the USA I would definitely root for the USA. That just led me to realize that I’m a front runner in international sports.

I can’t use food because I pretty much eat everything and anything. I can’t use alcohol because I like American and Mexican beers equally. I can’t really drink tequila but I love margaritas (and those are NOT Mexican drinks). I can’t use language because my friends can’t understand my English and my parents can’t understand my Spanish. I can’t use music because I bump Snoop one minute and Los Angeles Azules the other.

With no real answer to my question I’m going to have to say that I’m definitely Mexican and I’m definitely American……depending on who is asking. At least my kids will be able to easily say they are American Muts.

I Think Technology Has Made Me Dumberer - Goldfish in a Bowl

I have no memory. Well, I mean, I do remember things, but not very well. I could put the blame on myself, the binge drinking on the weekends, or lack of easy to practice memory exercises, but no, I chose technology as my scapegoat.

That’s right, I’m blaming one of my true loves for my inability to retain….anything.

But it’s not just me, it’s everyone! Technology has wrought upon us a great plague. A plague of idiocracy, of shame, of crazy weird phobias that teeter the line between pathetic and hilarious (re: Nomophobia - n. Short for no-mobile phobia, it's the anxiety produced by losing cell phone contact, for lack of coverage or power. A recent survey in the UK estimates that half of its citizens are afflicted. The condition is said to be as stressful as a root canal.) Is this what the world is coming to? Is that what I am destined to become? A person who not only fears technology but also craves it to survive? What a conundrum.

Facebook and other social networks help you maintain the façade that you’re still in touch with your old roommate from the Frat house and that we *might* give a damn, but we all use it incessantly and obsessively. Text messages make every interaction a little less sociable, yet we can all hack a message out in less than 30 seconds to that hottie at the bar from Friday night. Evite and other email invitations take the fun and formality out of sending party announcements, but do we really want to handwrite all those names? Would it be so bad if we took a step back from the computer, from the smart phone, and actually picked up a pen, used a telephone to make an actual call, reached out to a friend in person? Maybe. But maybe I don’t want to really talk to that guy from Art History 325 and am fine with just seeing his updates on the FriendFeed. Maybe texting expedites the time to get in touch with someone who might be in a meeting, or in a library (a what now?). But do these technological advances help or hinder humanity, and more importantly, my memory?

I’m still torn on if technology is the greatest evil in the world or a blessing from above. Its one of those “chicken or the egg” situations; Do I not remember what I was doing two Saturdays ago because I know someone will post pictures to remind me, or…..you know what, I completely lost what I was going for there. SEE what I mean? I can’t remember what I am even blogging about! Here I am trying to write about memory and technology, and I can’t remember the point I was gonna make. This is pretty pathetic. I guess I really am just another goldfish in the bowl of life.

And for the record, I think I might suffer from a slight case of Nomophobia. I should probably go see a therapist about that.

A Woman's Guide to Online Dating for Men: How to not blow it before you know it - Ship in a bottle

I get asked these sorts of questions frequently by male friends trying to make it in the online dating world: What can I put on my profile to catch a girl's eye?  How should I respond to an email from a girl in whom I am interested?  What's the best way to initiate communication with a girl in general?  What's the best way to initiate communication with a girl who is way out of my league?  So, coming from a girl with plenty of experience in this arena (though I certainly can't speak for all woman), here are a few pointers. 

1. Keep your profile simple.  You never want a girl to finish reading your profile and feel like she knows everything about you or has your personality pegged.  As you are likely aware, it's difficult to impute your personality through the black on white.  In this sense, less really is more.  Keep it simple, and remember that confidence mixed with a healthy amount of self-deprecation will usually mitigate the asshole factor.  (Asshole factor = The low standard that girls naturally hold men to until they prove to be decent human beings.)

2. Do not over-sell yourself.  Your best sales pitch is going to be your worst quality.   It shows that you are more interested in getting someone to like you rather than finding someone who you like, and no matter how confident you may actually be, you'll come across as insecure and that just isn't attractive to anyone. 

3. Do not play hard to get. If a girl makes the first move and you want to reciprocate interest, be direct in your response.  Send an interesting but concise email; do not merely wink or say "Hey, how's it going?"  This isn't to say that you should ask her on a date the first time you communicate, but you definitely need to lock it in.  Online men are like vultures, preying on every semi-attractive girl, so you need to make a name for yourself before your face gets overshadowed by the shear volume of emails and winks she receives on a daily basis.  

4. Start communication the way you would talk to your mom. No, don't ask her about her arthritis, but also remember not to be too colloquial.  This isn't to say that your communication should be formal or impersonal, but until you get a sense for her personality, don't go overboard with yours.  Further, while it's a good idea to comment on an aspect or two of her profile, avoid making too many comparisons between the two of you.  If she wants to date someone just like herself, she'll invest in more elaborate vibrators.  Also, no girl wants to hear "We have so much in common" after struggling with designing a profile that she isn't satisfied with.  A profile usually isn't a good representation of a person, and a girl isn't going to be very responsive to a guy who presumes he knows what she's all about after reading 2,000 or fewer words.

5. If she's out of your league, play a new game. You may see an attractive, intelligent and seemingly normal girl online and automatically assume that you don't stand a chance.  Is she even worth pursuing?  Here are some common mistakes that guys make when going after the elusive hottie.  1) They assume communication is moot so they throw a wink into the aether, never expecting to hear back from the girl.  And they won't.  A girl who receives tens to hundreds of effortless communications per day from ordinary guys learns that it's a waste of time to respond to any of them. Perhaps more importantly, if you decide to make a second attempt down the road, all she is going to remember upon seeing your pic in her mailbox is that she wasn't interested the first time.  2) They write super long, doting emails about how the girl is so great and how he knows that she's probably too good for him and all the reasons that he deserves a chance to make her happy.  Need I say more?  3) They do nothing.  Well, this is one way to maintain control over the outcome.  However, if you actually want to stand a chance at opening the lines of communication with the girl, try making her laugh.  No dirty jokes, no heavy sarcasm, just be your naturally charming self (or get someone to help you come across that way).  Be confident and bold but not cocky.  Try asking questions (but not too personal); nearly every girl will open up if you give her a chance to talk about herself.  Most importantly, just take the chance, but be smart about it.

The Proximity Effect - Transistor Radio

Dear Former Close Friend,

I am sorry that I’ve let our relationship slip the way it has. We’ve tried to stay close, but distance has made it difficult. It is unfortunate that we seem to drift in and out of each other’s lives.

I want to thank you. I need to say this now: you were a special part of my life however brief and fleeting. Every person I meet, every interaction I have, changes me. It shows me things that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise and for this and many other things I thank you.

With the advent of technology I thought we could persevere. I will say that technology affords me the chance to at least keep tabs on you. I’ve enjoyed reading little blurbs on <insert hot social networking site of the moment> about what you have been doing. I am genuinely happy for you.

We both have grown and our friendship circles have changed. This comes with time and proximity. I hate to admit it, but it was much easier to be active in your life when we lived/worked/partied/etc. near/with each other.

One thing I can say for certain, should we ever cross paths again, I will embrace you as the friend that you were and welcome you as the person that you are. Although we are now so very distant, I will always refer to you as my friend.

Should you ever need or want of me, please do not hesitate to call/text/email/msg/comment/etc.

With love, your friend always,

Transistor Radio

The World Around Us - Nintendo Power Glove

We are so often caught up on our own, narcissistic lives that we often lose sight of the “big picture”. To begin this reading, ask yourself this: what do you think of when someone asks you to look at the “big picture”. Do you think of where your education is leading you, who you will be drawn to in your romantic life, what is the purpose of the 40+ hours you dedicate to work each week, where your place in history is or can be, how do others view you, or what you will accomplish before you die? I’d counter any of those by saying that none of them really matter.

In the grand scheme of things, what really matters doesn’t have anything to do with who you are. What really matters is the world around us. In the past year, I would say that this realization has offered me the most personal growth of anything else I’ve stayed up until 4 A.M. contemplating.

I would list one of my best attributes as the ability to put myself in another person’s shoes so that I can understand and relate to almost anyone on some level. As I’ve done this mental experiment over and over, figuring out the people around me and around the world, I’ve developed my own methods for how to best address each audience. The only thing that has really disturbed me was when I ventured out to put myself in the shoes of the less fortunate. I’m talking about the victims of AIDS, cancer, persecution, poverty in third-world countries, involuntary homelessness, resentful drug addictions, depression, and discrimination. Most of these problems are so enormous that I’m not really sure where to start or what to do. But, the first step to fixing anything is becoming intimately aware of the problem - it’s taking ownership of those issues and making a seemingly distanced problem your problem.

Nobody can do everything that they want. Our life paths are not really in our own control. What I want readers to get out of this is awareness. When you hear about a friend’s friend who has cancer, pretend that it’s your best friend. When you see a commercial of starving children in another country, imagine that you live there. When you experience a homeless man asking for a buck, realize it could very well be your son, brother, or old classmate that was voted “most likely to succeed”. When your path leads you to a stranger in tears, an old lady who drops her change, a child that can’t find her mother, or someone wheeling up a handicap ramp do something. I hope that, through this post and this network, I’m able to influence some minor and major acts of kindness. If you’ve read this and, subsequently, done something positive, please post a comment to show that being a good person is not only rewarding, but is also contagious.

Personally, I think that so far I have helped a lot of people in very minor ways. I’ve gotten McDonald’s gift cards to hand out to the homeless, went on a bike ride for diabetes (honestly, I wasn’t able to do the ride, but I still raised funds), donated towards every charitable cause people I know have raised funds for, offered my services and time free to gay/lesbian couples who want to get married in California, and done a lot of day-to-day types of things. I know, these are very minor things, but hopefully my path will allow me to make much greater accomplishments. One major action that I’ve decided is that my next “vacation” will be engineering bridges and/or structures in another country, where I can use my education to make a lasting difference for many others.

Sorry my posts so far have been serious. I promise my next one will have you saying OMG I was ROFL so hard

Bicyclists, aka Two-wheeling Thugs - Lava Lamp

This blog is undoubtedly going to offend hella readers but it's something I care so strongly about that I'm willing to risk it.  Everyone has already chosen sides in this hotly contested debate so rather than put out a persuasive argument I'm going to do what comes naturally to me….bitch and complain as though somebody gives a rat's ass so please feel free to comment.

Let's start out with a question posed to the bicyclists out there:  Who in God's name appointed you as the ruler of city streets?  What I'd like to hear is an answer that will explain the aggressive behavior bicyclist's show to every moving thing whether it has wheels or feet and sometimes even paws.  In fact, their only consistency is their ability to get angry at jerk-faced drivers as well as moms pushing carriages.  The world is not out to get you folks, believe me, if you could just calm yourselves down for a second and breathe…woosahhhh…you might realize that you were going an unacceptable speed limit for something with such little visibility.  That's right, I said it, and you are in the wrong, frequently at that.  The point of this paragraph, get it straight that you are riding a bicycle, seriously, in the madness of a city a bicycle is not that easy to see.

OK, question number 2 surrounds smugness, as it relates to smogness:  What impact is your bicycling having on the world around us?  This question I need to tread lightly on because I like mother Earth but its no secret that bicyclists like to remind the world that their bicycle is keeping another car off the street.  In many cases that is true, but as this point relates to the theme of my blog it couldn't be more untrue.  The bicyclists I am talking about are those who can't afford a car and resort to bicycling as a means of making money or saving some dough.  For the rest of you who ride a bike and own a car which they use more frequently than their bike, the 8 times a month you use your bike instead of your car isn't really reversing the downward spiral going on in our environment.  It's fine to tell people that riding a bicycle helps reduce pollution, any message that would cut down on traffic and exhaust is great, but stop getting angry at buses that are doing way more to cut down on pollution than you'll ever do.

My grand finale question relates to fashion, this one is a bit of a tangent:  Can no one on a bicycle dress normal, I mean come on bicyclists, read a magazine or watch some TV to get some tips?  This refers to both demographics of bicyclists, the ones who are broke and have no sellable skills and to people with too much time and money on their hands.  To me it seems that in order to take bicycle riding seriously you either have to get nonsensical and abrasive tattoos on your calves or be color blind to the point that you think purple orange and green make a sweet combo.  False, very super hella false.  If you ride a bike for a job then perhaps you can try dressing in a somewhat more distinguished way.  Now I am in no way saying ride a bike in a suit but since your job is to go into people's workplaces then maybe you can pretend for a second that you're not a miscreant and that you take your work seriously.  Everyone knows you're still going to sit at the corner of Market and Battery and get high with the rest of the up and comers but you can do all this and blend in, slightly.  For those of you who have a 9-5 job and enjoy cycling as a sport then you too can benefit from a style upgrade.  It's understandable that you need to wear certain clothes because it makes you streamlined and prevents against unsightly and uncomfortable rashes, totally cool with me.  But at the same time some of the shit that you wear is so damn ugly, and clothes do make the person, that it really makes you think about what that person chooses to wear when they're not tearing up the streets.  Red, yellow and fluorescent green is not and never will be cool to wear, period.  Buy something tasteful that doesn't scream "I have too much money and I don't care if you know it" and spare the rest of us the temporary blindness that happens when we see you flying by.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that most of you can tell that this topic is one that I've been waiting to write about for a while, just like my seafood diatribe.  I don't want anyone to think that I sit here in my underground dungeon and think about things I hate cuz it's not true.  What I do like, and feel the need to spread the word about, is that some things completely lack common sense and any basis in reality, and if you don't agree then say something or turn this lava lamp off.

Holla!!!!!!

Workplace Email Translations - Russian Stamp

It happens every day.  You're at work minding your own business, not bothering anyone, and someone sends an email or does something stupid to make you angry.  Unfortunately, there are a multitude of reasons why it is inappropriate to fire back an angry email response in return.  We still have to work with these people, HR may be in the way, or even worse, it could be addressed at our boss.  So...what to do?

It has become customary to hide expletives and disguise them as business jargon to get your point across without getting fired.  Here are some prime examples:

1. Ending your email with "Kind Regards" - This is code for "F@&% you very much"  Its formal enough to convey a sense of harshness under the wool blanket of the word, "kind."  There's nothing "kind" about "Kind Regards", its more like, "regards from a place where the sun don't shine!"

2. "Thank you for your response,  HOWEVER..." - In this case, the word "however" is the whind up for a big insult that you can't say because you're at work. Its like you can almost see the expletives hidden between punctuation.  HOWEVER..you're stupid and that idea would never work!  There I said it, and I feel much better!

3. Thanks! :) - This translation is simple. :) = flipping someone the bird.  Sometimes it can also be translated into "Thanks @$$-hole!"

4. "In the future, _______"  - This blank can be filled in with a number of choices:
           In the future, learn how to follow simple directions.
           In the future, please run this by me before you reply to all.
           In the future, I hope you are swallowed by bears.

5. "We regret to inform you" - This means, "It makes my day to inform you that your idea has been rejected, and I can't even believe that you would make such a request.  You have some serious nerve thinking you can just come in here and get what you want, and NO...you can't have it!  HAHAHAHAHAHA...sucker!!!!!

6. "Can you please..." -  When you see this from your co-workers, it can very well mean just as it suggests, a simple request.  When you see it from your boss it means, "do it or you're fired!!"

I hope this has been a helpful tutorial of workplace emails.

Kind Regards,
Leya the Russian Stamp!

Mom...Dad...I've joined a blog network - Rotary Red Phone (Eric)

The following event took place in Monterey California on June 2, 2008.

Scene: Eric is visiting his parents back home in what they think is a normal reunion of immediate family members, Eric’s testament to sustaining family ties and securing a place at the Big Boys table for Christmas Dinner.  Little known, Eric had some big news to break to Mother Hen and Big Papa. 

Mom, Dad and Son are walking along Fisherman’s Wharf in Monterey.  Mom is eating cotton candy and Father is patting Eric on the back.  Just cause.  Dad is doing his normal pimp walk wearing a light blue Doo Rag - cane in hand.  At 65 years of age, Dad has been part of the notorious Sureño gang for 23 years.  This was a big factor in his divorce from Eric’s mother.   

From a bystander’s perspective Eric is clearly agitated and anxiety ridden.  Something needs to come out. 

 

Eric stops walking and looks to the ground.  He takes a deep breathe and….

 

 Eric: Just stop.  Sit down. 

Mom:  Have you seen that monkey that plays with you and actually does flips?  Monkeys are so funny.  They’re half human you know. 

Eric: Yeah mom I’ve seen the monkey.  It’s actually sorta cruel.  Anyway please take a seat. I have something to tell you and Dad.

So something has happened in the last week that I think you should know. 

Dad: What shun?

Eric: Well Mom…Dad….I’ve joined a Blog Network.  We call ourselves the Garage Sale Blog Network.  

Mom: OH MY GOD!!!!! (Cries out to the Lord) Why? Why us?

Dad: ‘Bout time you joined a gang.  A man needs colors to stand by.     

Eric: It’s quite the different outfit than your Sureño gang Dad.  We’re more discriminate in our violence and drug use.     

Mom: Why? Why son?

Eric: Best I can describe it mom is this:

Most blogging networks are just about the sex, drugs and groupies. 

Let me just say a word about blog network groupies.  They beg to line up behind your computer when you’re writing your next entry.  Lines of ‘em.  The girls in the back row throw up their bras and panties.  The entry only takes about thirty minutes to write but it’s amazing when you’re writing it.  The bad day at work, the ex girlfriend, the weight gain…all disappear for those thirty minutes while you’re writing that entry….the groupies are just chanting your name “ERIC ERIC ERIC!!!!”  There’s nothing like those final seconds when you spell check the entry and it only finds a couple of spelling errors and like one fragment sentence – and the crowd just goes crazy. 

They say things like “Fuck it! Post it – Post that shit!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sometimes I just post…you know….close my eyes and post…no double spell check…no proof read by other GSBN members…just post.

Intermission:

Mom: But why did you join? 

Eric: Well mom I guess it dates back to high school.  I mean I come home and want to brag about my good grades in AP English…who was home?  Who was there for me?  The blog was. 

My first time having sex.  I wanted to share it with people I loved.  The blog was the only thing that cared. 

Christmas time.  Cold. Lonely.  Blog.

Dad:  Well how do you get jumped in.  Do you have a dance?  Who do you battle?

Eric:  Well I had to write an entry and get at least 50 visits for the day or I’d get beaten senseless with PDA’s, old PC’s and a slew of other computer accessories.  The iPhone logo on my lower back isn’t a tramp stamp…it’s from that day…the iPhone is a magnificent display of smart phone prowess…but it was also what they used to hit me hardest.    

We battle other networks at major events in the city.  If mother fuckers think they can live blog an event faster, more accurately and in a more stimulating way than the GSBN than we’ll yell “Clear out….Clear out!!!” and a guy from our network break dances vs. a guy from their network usually on cardboard.  The bloggers from both squads live blog the event and describe all the fancy moves in progress.  “Zizzle aka Transistor Radio is early bird getting the worming it!!” Would be one example of describing Transistor Radio doing the worm. 

Dad: Daddy Badge it or you’re gonna be a jail bird and come back a Dezmond!  Yadda?

Eric: I don’t know why you talk to me like that Dad.  I have no idea what that means.

Mom: The monkey even takes pennies from you and puts them in the tip jar.

 

Curtain.