The following event took place in Monterey California
on June 2, 2008.
Scene: Eric is visiting his parents back home in what they
think is a normal reunion of immediate family members, Eric’s testament to
sustaining family ties and securing a place at the Big Boys table for Christmas
Dinner. Little known, Eric had some big
news to break to Mother Hen and Big Papa.
Mom, Dad and Son are walking along Fisherman’s Wharf in Monterey. Mom is eating cotton candy and Father is
patting Eric on the back. Just cause. Dad is doing his normal pimp walk wearing a
light blue Doo Rag - cane in hand. At 65
years of age, Dad has been part of the notorious Sureño gang for 23 years. This was a big factor in his divorce from
Eric’s mother.
From a bystander’s perspective Eric is clearly agitated and
anxiety ridden. Something needs to come
out.
Eric stops walking and looks to the ground. He takes a deep breathe and….
Eric: Just stop. Sit
down.
Mom: Have you seen
that monkey that plays with you and actually does flips? Monkeys are so funny. They’re half human you know.
Eric: Yeah mom I’ve seen the monkey. It’s actually sorta cruel. Anyway please take a seat. I have something
to tell you and Dad.
So something has happened in the last week that I think you
should know.
Dad: What shun?
Eric: Well Mom…Dad….I’ve joined a Blog Network. We call ourselves the Garage Sale Blog
Network.
Mom: OH MY GOD!!!!! (Cries out to the Lord) Why? Why us?
Dad: ‘Bout time you joined a gang. A man needs colors to stand by.
Eric: It’s quite the different outfit than your Sureño gang
Dad. We’re more discriminate in our
violence and drug use.
Mom: Why? Why son?
Eric: Best I can describe it mom is this:
Most blogging networks are just about the sex, drugs and
groupies.
Let me just say a word about blog network groupies. They beg to line up behind your computer when
you’re writing your next entry. Lines of
‘em. The girls in the back row throw up
their bras and panties. The entry only
takes about thirty minutes to write but it’s amazing when you’re writing
it. The bad day at work, the ex
girlfriend, the weight gain…all disappear for those thirty minutes while you’re
writing that entry….the groupies are just chanting your name “ERIC ERIC
ERIC!!!!” There’s nothing like those
final seconds when you spell check the entry and it only finds a couple of
spelling errors and like one fragment sentence – and the crowd just goes crazy.
They say things like “Fuck
it! Post it – Post that shit!!!!!!!!!!!”
Sometimes I just post…you know….close my eyes and post…no
double spell check…no proof read by other GSBN members…just post.
Intermission:
Mom: But why did you join?
Eric: Well mom I guess it dates back to high school. I mean I come home and want to brag about my
good grades in AP English…who was home?
Who was there for me? The blog
was.
My first time having sex.
I wanted to share it with people I loved. The blog was the only thing that cared.
Christmas time. Cold.
Lonely. Blog.
Dad: Well how do you
get jumped in. Do you have a dance? Who do you battle?
Eric: Well I had to
write an entry and get at least 50 visits for the day or I’d get beaten
senseless with PDA’s, old PC’s and a slew of other computer accessories. The iPhone logo on my lower back isn’t a
tramp stamp…it’s from that day…the iPhone is a magnificent display of smart
phone prowess…but it was also what they used to hit me hardest.
We battle other networks at major events in the city. If mother fuckers think they can live blog an
event faster, more accurately and in a more stimulating way than the GSBN than
we’ll yell “Clear out….Clear out!!!” and a guy from our network break dances
vs. a guy from their network usually on cardboard. The bloggers from both squads live blog the
event and describe all the fancy moves in progress. “Zizzle aka Transistor Radio is early bird
getting the worming it!!” Would be one example of describing Transistor Radio
doing the worm.
Dad: Daddy Badge it or you’re gonna be a jail bird and come
back a Dezmond! Yadda?
Eric: I don’t know why you talk to me like that Dad. I have no idea what that means.
Mom: The monkey even takes pennies from you and puts them in
the tip jar.
Curtain.
Whoa
Posted by: Heidi | July 04, 2008 at 10:03 AM