Progress on finding a sperm donor - Ship in a Bottle

I'd like to take this time to respond to some of the key issues and questions that are continuing to arise in reader's comments to my original blog soliciting semen donors for my first baby.

First, this isn't a thoughtless, spontaneous decision; there is a reason why I want my baby to have only one parent.  I had two parents growing up who didn't live together and who didn't talk to each other.  I was conceived out of love, but that love dissipated shortly after I was born.  Even though both parents loved me and tried to stay in my life as much as possible, I believe that I lived a much more difficult childhood and adolescence because of this divide.  As much as it would pain me to choose one or the other (a decision I was forced to constantly make growing up), I honestly think that my life would have been better – that I would have been happier and undoubtedly healthier both emotionally and physically – if either of my parents had raised me exclusively.  This isn't to say that I don't think that a loving two-parent household isn't ideal; it certainly is.  But it's as easy to hope for that outcome as it is to find oneself alone and fighting for custody or going through the gut-wrenching process of trying to figure out which holidays you'll get to spend with your child.  By having this child as a single parent, the odds are greatest that he/she will know ONLY a very stable, secure, loving home life, something that having two parents cannot guarante

 

There have also been a lot of questions about what I am looking for in a donor.  Granted the circumstances, I am looking for someone who is not interested in being a part of this child's life and who will be happy just donating their sperm and going back to their routine life.  I suppose that there are certain circumstances where I would allow the father to have some interaction with the child, but it wouldn't be in the capacity of a father.  Naturally, I would prefer a donor without a strong family history of mental or physical disorders.  As far as looks and other defining characteristics, I suppose I will be preferable to donors who exhibit characteristics of a man who I could imagine myself marrying and having a child with.  In my daydreams, this man has darker features – brown hair and eyes – very kind eyes and a very sweet smile.  He is between 5'10" and 6'2" with a naturally well-proportioned physique but necessarily athletic.  He is emotionally and mentally stable, has a great sense of humor but is very serious about his life and his role in the bigger picture.

 

That said, I've been reconsidering the type of donor who I consider to be ideal for me at this point.  Many readers have commented that adoption is a better way to go; after all, if I really think that I can and want to give a child a healthy and happy life, why not provide that to a child who otherwise might not have any hope of that.  I agree.  This is a valid point, and I am fully supportive of adoption in general as an alternative to conception, especially for couples that cannot conceive due to reproductive difficulties.  But for someone in my position, I think that it may be more valuable to enable someone to procreate who might not otherwise have the opportunity in his lifetime.

 

This is why I am hoping to find a donor who generally meets my criteria but who also has no other (reasonable) means of procreating.  Such a donor might be someone who is older – 50+ - who never had children and doesn't think that they will have the chance again (or who doesn't want the opportunity to be a father but wants to keep their genes in the pool).  This donor might be someone who has suffered an accident that prevents him from being a father (but doesn't preclude the production of semen).  It may be someone who physically or economically cannot support a child but who has good genes and wants to reproduce. It may be someone who has suffered an externally-inflicted disease or burns that rendered him deformed or otherwise unable to date/marry/have children.   I think that this might be the best situation because it would satisfy my goal of having a baby in the near term and also offer someone an opportunity that they may have very little other hope of experiencing. 

There have also been a lot of comments that it seems like I shouldn't have a problem finding a donor – or a husband I suppose. The first comment I'd like to make about this is that I am who I present to be, picture and all. People who know me will hopefully chime in and attest to that. But I'm very picky about who gets to be part of my life, and I don't want to settle for a boyfriend or husband right now just because I am ready to have a baby. It's not that I don't like men or prefer to be alone, it's just that I've been with some truly spectacular men who still haven't been right for me, and having a baby right now is much more important to me than finding the right man.  So why not give it some more time?  I'm not looking to find Mr. Right.  It's a common misconception that everyone seeks a partner, that we are incomplete without one.  But getting married is not a goal of mine; having a happy family is.  In this day and age, there are many other ways to have that than those that are traditionally held. 

Thank you to everyone who has kindly offered to help me in this endeavor and also for the words of advice and encouragement.  I hope to make a decision about this very soon.

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Comments

[Anton]

Hello Amy,

I really empathize with your situation, and agree with your sentiments about the importance of having children. If you're still considering people, I would be happy to help you get the child you want.

I'm intelligent and in good shape with no history of inheritable diseases in my family. I used to play varsity soccer when I was younger, but gave it up due to time-constraints. I'm studying biomedical engineering at a good university and working in a laboratory researching nanomedicine and genetics. I'm emotionally stable and have healthy relationships and friendships with people.

I also had a comment about you considering men who were 50+ years of age. You should be aware that children fathered by men over the age of 50 have been proven to have higher incidences of autism and chromosomal abnormalities.

If you would like to get in touch, send me an email, and best of luck with your search!

[Leandro]

Hello Amy,

I really empathize with your situation, and agree with your sentiments about the importance of having children. If you're still considering people, I would be happy to help you get the child you want.
Kisses and hugs,
Leandro

[Tim]

When I first read of your decision I have to admit I was quite shocked, but having read this entry can now say that I understand, to a large extent, how you feel about wanting a child.

I was a single Dad, raised my daughter on my own, and yes it was hard. But my daughter has told me that, regardless of the hardships we had to face, the one thing she remembers most of all is the amount of laughter in our house.

So would I do it all again? Yes, without a second thought. I would also have dearly loved to have had more children as I love them, and that is really the main criteria I think for having a child irrespective of everything else.

Am I offering my services? No, lol! Although I meet all your criteria apart from the hair and eyes (although it used to be dark brown my hair turned grey when I reached thirty years old, and my eyes are sky blue), I couldn't help make a child and walk away. I just couldn't do that. Like I said, I love children too much to be able to do that, and I'd love another child of my own.

I just wanted to write this comment and say that if you become a mother then I wish you all the love and laughter in the world.

[Jake]

Okay, you are a bit self-aggrandizing, but having to write so many grad school admissions essays probably convinced you that it was your duty to be altruistic and awesome at the same time. Whatever. Here are a few pointers before you take on loads of old-man charity choad.

The risks are increased likelihood of (1) birth defects, (2) mental disorder, and (3) cosmetic birth defects.

(1) Older sperm=higher risk of defects.

Older Paternal Age Seen as Factor in Some Birth Defects: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/06/health/06sper.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/44641.php

Also, since you mentioned mental health being an issue: Bipolar Disorder Linked To Older Fathers,
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/09/01/health/main4405168.shtml?source=RSSattr=Health_4405168

Lastly, since tall dark and handsome was part of your ideal criteria:

Genetic flaws in sperm from aging fathers can cause birth defects, including misshapen skulls and fused hands and feet.

Dr. Ethylin Wang Jabs (http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/geneticmedicine/People/Faculty/jabs.html) of the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine

Jabs says mutations in sperm of men older than age 35 have been linked to a rare birth defect known as Apert syndrome. But there are signs that mutations in aged sperm may play a role in other syndromes, such as Crouzon and Treacher-Collins, which also cause such features as drooping eyes, misshapen skulls, bulging eyes or foreheads and seriously deformed hands and feet.

In the majority of cases these abnormalities are purely cosmetic, not signs of other problems with health or intellect. The abnormalities can be corrected surgically although sometimes as many as 20 operations may be needed during a lifetime to maintain a normal appearance.

Jabs says about 2 to 3 percent of all babies are born with a major birth defect and another 2 to 3 percent have a malformation detected during the first five years of life.

Now, aging has been demonstrated to mess up DNA. Severe physical trauma may also increase free radical exposure and I recommend you simply look for someone who fits your physical criteria and is between the age of 20-30.

Good luck

[johnny]

After reading this post I've realized that you are quite the altruistic scientist. Good luck with your career and your family.

[Chris]

After reading this post I've realized that you are quite the insane pronoid megalomaniac. Good luck with your career and your family (and may your coworkers and relatives forgive you for your idiocy)

[RL]

Amy,

The way I see it if you want to procreate there is no reason why you should not. You can provide and care for the child, that is all that should matter.

Adoption brings another set of complications. Never mind the possibility that you might want your son or daughter to be related to you by blood.

Good luck!

[Hans]

I personally think you are going about things the wrong way and want to be too controlling of life. You may feel that your own childhood was lacking due to your parents separation, but theres a good chance your child will have his/her own set of issues related to not knowing who his/her father is.

Do you really want a child because you want give your love and nourish a child, is it for more selfish reasons or are you doing it to experience what it is to give birth? Because, I think in your situation, adopting would be the best option for you and for a child who is already alive and very much unloved.

Then, when you meet this ideal man, you may have a chance to have a child of your own. I don't see what the rush is about!

[leah]

This is a big joke, right? It has to be otherwise you are depressingly self-centered.

You say you're looking for someone mentally stable when you are obviously not mentally stable yourself.

What kind of wack-job advertizes for sperm on the internet?

This is either a cry for attention from an unstable woman, or a act similar to that bogus chick on You Tube.

You're one sick woman.

[Leah]

This is a big joke, right? It has to be otherwise you are depressingly self-centered. You say you're looking for someone mentally stable when you are obviously not mentally stable yourself. What kind of wack-job advertizes for sperm on the internet? This is either a cry for attention from an unstable woman, or a act similar to that bogus chick on You Tube. You're one sick woman.

[amy]

you know what if you are legit...Good Luck!!!

I would be useless as I am a woman, but my sister who is 36, and very attractive, just spent alot of years with the wrong guy or throwing herself into her education and work. Now she wishes more than anything she had had a child. Not that she is out of time, yet, but with nary a decent date in 2 years, it looks like it might not ever happen.

And as a mom, I know nothing has been more important to me than my children. So provided you are really legit..I wish you luck.

[Samuel]

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[That Guy]

I don't want to make a baby...can I stick it in your pooper?

[Brett]

After reading the last post as well as this one, my only advice to you is this:

Don't adopt. Don't get pregnant. For God's sake, please don't attempt to be a parent. It's clear that you can't think of anyone other than yourself.

This really clinched it for me:

"But for someone in my position, I think that it may be more valuable to enable someone to procreate who might not otherwise have the opportunity in his lifetime. "

Casting your own narcissism in some sort of fake altruistic "lifeboat" for someone else is about the most pathetic, transparent excuse for a line of reasoning I've read in some time.

You say your parents divorced. Clearly from this experience you don't think that marriage will work (it's normal for the children of divorce to be damaged in this way, and it's not your fault). But to inflict your own emotional baggage upon someone else - an anonymous "donor" or even YOUR OWN CHILD - is the height of conceit.

You claim to be a "scientist." You may be well-educated, but that certainly doesn't mean that you have the emotional or mental capacity to give two shits about what your own emotional mess may mean in terms of parenting.

I'm done with the ad-hominem attacks, as I'm sure that you won't pay attention. Please, please, please do this though: find a friend with a baby (the younger, the better). Offer to take care of the child for a weekend. I assure you, it will open your eyes.

I've read two of your blog posts, and that's quite enough to convince me that you are in no way fit to be a mother. Please don't do this.

[James]

Amy,

I was a little confused by this, but as the same time I understand you.

I have two great kids, but I wanted a third, unfortunaly my wife did not and she had her tubes burned.

I have settled for having two dogs to take the idea of having another child, but it always on my mind and wish I could have another.

I have been a lovable father and a supportive one at that, my oldest child is 19 and my other one is 16.

I know you have had many offer and your probably insane from reading all the postings, but I would like to offer my sperm to you, I think I was destined to put another child on this earth but I did not get a chance to, I believe this is my second chance.

Thanks,
James

[thom]

Extremist Religious Types (Brett, et al):

If you want to lay claim to a person having some level of self-centeredness, so be it, but you are quite the fool to believe you actually know one real thing about this girl (what's her name?) other than she wants to have a child. Get back to your religious myths, bullshit understanding of the need for self and hate speech at abortion clinics. Leave her to her bidding.

That said, I will not be up for offering up my sperm but, as you've read a number of times before, you clearly have the assets (educated, cute) to find the right companion for yourself. Of course, I'd have to say I have no real opinion of you.

I do, however, have an opinion on the concept of the absent father. Any of the "less fortunate" male specimens would most likely have more reason to envelope themselves in the lives of an offspring.

Lastly, by meeting a guy within the realm of your professional career who is your age or slightly older, lives elsewhere but may come through on business or you could run into at seminars, and has no wife/kids/interest in either may actually be a better bet. It is likely you will want to know something about your childs potential outcome as early as possible and the first signs are in the parents.

Plus, you most likely don't want to get knocked up by some heroin-addicted (or other drug) intellectual who may be on "it" at the time of conception.

Finally, being a scientist, you should already know how to find a few more of these "social losers" to filter out more actively.

Just my $0.02 and then some...

-thom

[Ben]

"I suppose that there are certain circumstances where I would allow the father to have some interaction with the child, but it wouldn't be in the capacity of a father."

What gives you the right to make this decision? The guy involved would be the child's father as surely as you would be its mother. If he changes his mind he can petition for visitation (or even custody).

"But for someone in my position, I think that it may be more valuable to enable someone to procreate who might not otherwise have the opportunity in his lifetime."

I hope that this is just an excuse you use to justify wanting a child that is biologically yours. If it isn't, your narcissism is astounding. This is insulting. What guy is desperate enough to father a pity-baby that he'll never meet.

I hope you don't mess up too badly.

[Everton Souza]

It forgives me for my bad English it is why I am Brazilian, but it wanted to participate of its election. I know how much it is important to have a son and of the power to give to a continuity the life. I had girlfriend per years that died of cancer and after this I started to see the life in the true way. I go to say a little of me. I have 22 years and I am formed in the college of engineering of computer science. I was always athlete and scholarship holder in colleges and facultieses here of Brazil, today I am fighter of Brazilian champion Jiu-Jitsu of my region. my QI is of 147. but most important it is that I was always an active child and but centered and always I had respect for the people. Kisses and are with God

[Everton Souza]

Sorry for my bad English is why I am Brazilian, but wanted to join your selection. I know how important it is to have a child and be able to continue with life. I had a girlfriend for years who died of cancer and after that I went to see the true way of life.
I will talk a little about me.
I am 22 years and trained at the faculty of engineering of informatics. I was always athletic and scholarship in colleges and universities here in Brazil, today I am fighting for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu champion in my region. my IQ is 147.

but the most important thing is that when I was a child but active and focused and always had respect for people.

Love and be with God

[Ben Beattie]

Amy,
I am simply responding to your call for friends who know you to attest to the fact that you are who you represent both in your text and in your photo. Hope that helps, thoug a true skeptic would claim that you could have written this yourself under a false name. But if someone is really trying to be that skeptical, screw him/her.

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[Arthur]

Dear Amy,

On the 25th last month I sent you an email about your donor request. I'm writing a follow-up to see if you got my original email, and to see if you'd made any progress on your decision.

Regards,
Arthur.

[pretty ricky]

I cant believe this problem isnt solved. Get those guys that hump the furniture and this ish is settled.

[Ry Guy]

I came upon your blog lost week and have enjoyed it. I have never wanted kids, but you have made me think about the possibility of passing on my genes. Over the past few days I’ve realized there is a part of me that would take satisfaction in having a kid out there somewhere. So, half on a whim, I’ll throw my hat in the proverbial ring and offer to be your donor. Me: I am a 25 year old grad student, 6’2” tall, white with brown hair and eyes. if you’re interested and want a pic you know what to do.Best of luck in your decision and keep posting!