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    lunar phases

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Somebody out there

Interesting post. It reminded me of long ago reading this:

"Death is our eternal companion," don Juan said with a most serious air. "It is always to our left, at an arm's length. It was watching you when you were watching the white falcon; it whispered in your ear and you felt its chill, as you felt it today. It has always been watching you. It always will until the day it taps you."

[...] "How can anyone feel so important when we know that death is stalking us?" he asked.

I had the feeling my answer was not really needed. I could not have said anything anyway. A new mood had possessed me.

"The thing to do when you're impatient," he proceeded, "is to turn to your left and ask advice from your death. An immense amount of pettiness is dropped if your death makes a gesture to you, or if you catch a glimpse of it, or if you just have the feeling that your companion is there watching you."

Journey to Ixtlan: the Lessons of Don Juan, by Carlos Castaneda
Now add in the Matrix-esque awareness that "there is no spoon", and then you can subtract out the need for a physical embodiment of this awareness via the cyanide capsule. Then lather, rinse, repeat (in everyday life.)


I'm typing here to avoid the flood.
I figured my odds would be better down here.
Email me.

Would CN, or a CN salt, be fatal if coupled with free Fe? If not, I'd carry around a pocket full of iron. - At least I'm not dying from cyanide today!


please don't get that baby


I'll second that - don't have a baby!

You sound like you have a bipoloar disorder - you should really get some therapy and a good treatment regime.


Loved your piece. Cyanide is definitely the way to go.


Heinrich Himmler
Hermann Goering

David McKinnis

Someday a prospective employer is going to read this. Then you will understand the world a little better.

ms v

hahahahahaha the baby thing is obviously a joke. you're so stupid, girl!


I think you have to honestly contemplate suicide in order to fully understand who and what you are. You don’t have to want to do it. But I don’t think you can really understand life until you have imagined the alternatives.

About the CN in your pocket thing, I get it. In my younger years (mid teens) I joined the Jesus cult. It was a profound and formative experience ultimately based on willful ignorance. However in many ways it served much the same purpose as the cyanide in your pocket. All of the petty and trivial concerns that intellectually I didn't’t care about but was unable to force myself to ignore, became irrelevant because my eyes were not on things”of this world”. But unlike the easy exit that a vial of poison conceptually represents, the version of Jesus that I conceived of was more like preemptively offing myself but getting to hang around and still theoretically see all of the good parts of life. If I encountered something or someone that I didn't like, I could dismiss it as irrelevant, similarly if something did appear to be valuable I could ignore all of the obstacles between myself and “the good”. It was hugely freeing in theory and occasionally in practice.

(I haven’t thought about this stuff in years, it's kind of bizarre to revisit it)

Eventually reality and that whole cause and effect nonsense got in the way and I had to regretfully say goodbye to blissful ignorance. Cyanide in your pocket, is in many ways a much more elegant solution to the same problem and it doesn't require belief in mythical sky-men and integration into corrupted historical institutions but in the end reality may still be its fatal flaw. I think that if we artificially alter the relevance of that which makes up our lives, we basically are altering the input filters for what gets weighed in the decision making process. An oversimplified analogy would be losing the ability to feel pain, and subsequently not knowing or caring as your arm is being cut off. Being “happy” all the time could serve something of the same function. There are very good reasons why we evolved the various sensitivities and feelings of pain and loss and irritation and so forth that accompany the more desirable feelings. Granted a modern cosmopolitan city isn't exactly our state of evolutionary origin, but in many important ways, it is very similar. Most importantly, as human life currently is and always has consisted, more than anything else, in relating to other people, we subsequently have enormously developed social interaction systems many or most of which work on a subconscious level. Presumably these system are helpful to us, or at least present the basic framework of reality within which we have to operate and ultimately try to find a life worth living. Therefore, at least for the sake of argument, it seems like consciously overloading these systems with emotional triggers like “DEATH” might serve to blind us to the beneficial subtleties they would otherwise clue us in on.

I’m not saying I’m against consciously engineering consciousness. I think, Jesus, or drugs, or instant suicide buttons, can all be useful and good things, but they seems more like stop-gap measures used to work through or experience a particular time or moment. I think the end goal of life is coming to grips with exactly who and what you are and how to go about making the best of what you got without introducing a large external manipulation that will eventually come to be depended on as it get’s integrated into the basic learned means of dealing with reality.

Then again, we've only got about 60 good years anyway. Maybe the best answer is: “fuck it, whatever get’s you through the night”

I've been typing a while and it seems like this comment is going to end up being way too long. I don’t really care though. If you’re gonna write about how you like walking around with poison in your pocket you have to expect to attract at least a few stray wannabe intellectuals who are going to wax verbose in response to their desperate need to feel like someone is listening to the really profound things they (I) are (am) sayings (sayz).

I, like everyone else it seems, came here through Digg. I actually almost injected myself into the fray of potential fathers, largely on account of a visceral reaction to your photograph. I couldn't do it though. It would be too much to just have a kid out there. I would either need to be involved or, um, not be a father. You do seem like a rather interesting person though, and there really aren't very many of those in the world. This post put you over the top in terms of someone I would probably enjoy having a conversation with. I RSSed the site just to see how this babymaking all turns out.

My god, I just previewed this and it is way too long. Oh well I guess.

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