The Garage Sale Blog Network

Is the World Really Round - Lava Lamp

We have got to face a hard-to-swallow fact in this day and age; hype has taken over common sense in a big way!!  This clearly has made life more annoying and that sucks, but we need to take a step back and ask a few questions to determine how scared should we be!!

 

What does all of this over-hyping and under-valuing of reality really mean for the rest of us?  How can a seemingly intelligent and advanced society succumb to grade-school arguments and flashy whizbang?

 

 

For those of you who missed a recent "argument" between the Dems and the Reps it is important to note that pigs absolutely cannot put lipstick on by themselves because they have hooves with no opposable thumbs to hold the lipstick.  This is common sense people, don't believe the hype!!!  Seriously though, the whole nation recently got embroiled in an argument between 5^th graders about whose mom is fat or something juvenile like that.  WTF were we thinking and why isn't everyone screaming about how obnoxious and annoying the news networks are to run these kinds of stories.  But do you know why they run these stories…because they know America is all about hype and our common sense as a general public is at an all time low.

 

This also goes to show how the leaders of both parties really feel about the intelligence of the nation.  They've seen us get all excited before about such things as "no proof of income loans" and Beanie babies.  Why should they stop when it comes to inferences regarding a very common colloquialism?  Party leaders know anything that can be taken out of context will be taken out of context if they can just get it on to the airwaves.  Should that make us happy to know that both our government and now the world view us in such a poor light, yes…you can believe that hype.

 

I am asking you, the reader, how can we improve our image to the world when our own elected parties think we'd rather hear about Obama and Palin kissing in a tree than HMOs and MPG?  How can we get news stations to report newsworthy reports instead of trash that should be in Star or Us magazines.  What's the next big "oh no he/she didn't say that" going to be?  And does it even really matter anymore, or have I just bought into the anti-hype????

Bicyclists, aka Two-wheeling Thugs - Lava Lamp

This blog is undoubtedly going to offend hella readers but it's something I care so strongly about that I'm willing to risk it.  Everyone has already chosen sides in this hotly contested debate so rather than put out a persuasive argument I'm going to do what comes naturally to me….bitch and complain as though somebody gives a rat's ass so please feel free to comment.

Let's start out with a question posed to the bicyclists out there:  Who in God's name appointed you as the ruler of city streets?  What I'd like to hear is an answer that will explain the aggressive behavior bicyclist's show to every moving thing whether it has wheels or feet and sometimes even paws.  In fact, their only consistency is their ability to get angry at jerk-faced drivers as well as moms pushing carriages.  The world is not out to get you folks, believe me, if you could just calm yourselves down for a second and breathe…woosahhhh…you might realize that you were going an unacceptable speed limit for something with such little visibility.  That's right, I said it, and you are in the wrong, frequently at that.  The point of this paragraph, get it straight that you are riding a bicycle, seriously, in the madness of a city a bicycle is not that easy to see.

OK, question number 2 surrounds smugness, as it relates to smogness:  What impact is your bicycling having on the world around us?  This question I need to tread lightly on because I like mother Earth but its no secret that bicyclists like to remind the world that their bicycle is keeping another car off the street.  In many cases that is true, but as this point relates to the theme of my blog it couldn't be more untrue.  The bicyclists I am talking about are those who can't afford a car and resort to bicycling as a means of making money or saving some dough.  For the rest of you who ride a bike and own a car which they use more frequently than their bike, the 8 times a month you use your bike instead of your car isn't really reversing the downward spiral going on in our environment.  It's fine to tell people that riding a bicycle helps reduce pollution, any message that would cut down on traffic and exhaust is great, but stop getting angry at buses that are doing way more to cut down on pollution than you'll ever do.

My grand finale question relates to fashion, this one is a bit of a tangent:  Can no one on a bicycle dress normal, I mean come on bicyclists, read a magazine or watch some TV to get some tips?  This refers to both demographics of bicyclists, the ones who are broke and have no sellable skills and to people with too much time and money on their hands.  To me it seems that in order to take bicycle riding seriously you either have to get nonsensical and abrasive tattoos on your calves or be color blind to the point that you think purple orange and green make a sweet combo.  False, very super hella false.  If you ride a bike for a job then perhaps you can try dressing in a somewhat more distinguished way.  Now I am in no way saying ride a bike in a suit but since your job is to go into people's workplaces then maybe you can pretend for a second that you're not a miscreant and that you take your work seriously.  Everyone knows you're still going to sit at the corner of Market and Battery and get high with the rest of the up and comers but you can do all this and blend in, slightly.  For those of you who have a 9-5 job and enjoy cycling as a sport then you too can benefit from a style upgrade.  It's understandable that you need to wear certain clothes because it makes you streamlined and prevents against unsightly and uncomfortable rashes, totally cool with me.  But at the same time some of the shit that you wear is so damn ugly, and clothes do make the person, that it really makes you think about what that person chooses to wear when they're not tearing up the streets.  Red, yellow and fluorescent green is not and never will be cool to wear, period.  Buy something tasteful that doesn't scream "I have too much money and I don't care if you know it" and spare the rest of us the temporary blindness that happens when we see you flying by.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that most of you can tell that this topic is one that I've been waiting to write about for a while, just like my seafood diatribe.  I don't want anyone to think that I sit here in my underground dungeon and think about things I hate cuz it's not true.  What I do like, and feel the need to spread the word about, is that some things completely lack common sense and any basis in reality, and if you don't agree then say something or turn this lava lamp off.

Holla!!!!!!

The Sun Tan Diet - Ari (Lava Lamp)

It's no secret that in our culture we value a good healthy tan.  There are numerous ways to both naturally and artificially achieve the perfect bronze coloring.  People who aren't even intended to tan (you know who you are) spend time outside with either Formula 50 SPF on their bodies or a giant hat so big it blocks out all direct sunlight for a ten foot radius just to put on a show so that people think they like the sun.  You even catch sun revelers born with the natural gift of color hanging out soaking in the rays when you know it's not doing them any good except to provide them with a chance to rub it in a little.  But what is our obsession with the sun and why do people spend ridiculous amounts of money searching for the perfect shade of skin?

There are a few obvious reasons why tanning makes sense;

• first and foremost it makes all your hard work in the gym come to life.  The right tan will accentuate your muscular definition and give you that oh so familiar reminder of that time you looked at yourself in the mirror at the gym and for a split second it looked like your abs made a six pack only to realize it was the result of the lighting in the gym.  Damn, why in the hell have I been doing crunches for the past 5 years with no results, it's not like it feels good or is fun!!!!!  So a tan can essentially be nature's imperfect lighting but instead of it being confined to the gym it is available outside in the "real world".
• Who wants some Vitamin D…I do.  I don't even know if you can get Vitamin D if not for the sun, consequently I don't know why Vitamin D is good for you but let's just assume anything with Vitamin in front of it is good for you.  People who tan are awash in Vitamin D, possibly dangerously awash in Vitamin D but we'll deal with that when we're 68 years old.
• If people didn't tan I'm pretty sure magazines like People, Star, Entertainment and other celebrity trash mags would cease to exist causing the economy to crumble worse than this whole credit crisis shenanigan.  When you're outside tanning you can barely stand to read more than five sentences in a row because you need to stare at that guy/girl who just walked by out of the corner of your eye.  Luckily celebrity trash mags allow you to get your news in 5 sentences or less and provide convenient cover when creepily staring at people way out of your league.
• Beer likes the sun…I like beer therefore I like the sun, I think we learned that in high school geometry.  You might be thinking, wait just one gosh darn second Ari, sun makes my beer warm and warm beer taste terrible and is uncomfortable to drink.  Its true, sun directly on beer ruins beer but if you can find a way to drink your beer in less than ten minutes instead of babysitting your beer because you're too cheap to buy another then you'll realize that you need to stop blaming the sun.  If anything the sun is helping you get your drink on, reminding you that maybe it's time to freshen your drink gov'ner.

 

OK, I realize I migrated from potentially criticizing tanning to complementing tanning to deifying the sun like they used to do back in Montezuma's times.  My bad, nobody said there had to rhyme or reason here.  However, in conclusion, we like tanning and the sun because we like looking skinny when we know we're not, we like Vitamin D despite having no idea what good it does, we like reading news in under one minute and we especially like regulating our drinking.  So go out there and don't be shy even if you're Casper the Ghost or "just born with it".  The sun loves all of God's creatures, and I'm pretty if there is a God that this omnipresent being wouldn't want you showing up all pale because God and every mother on earth knows you have time to get your Vitamins.

Ari : Garage Sale Symbol - Lava Lamp

The lava lamp; it's old and outdated...but not forgotten, it's inefficient and ineffective...but not without use, it's dangerous and unnecessary...but only to people too stupid to know how to handle one.  To me the the lava lamp demands to be relevant in a world lacking in relevance, which brings me to my biography...the lava lamp's take on life.

I think it would be pretentious of me to assume that I have some relevance in this world, or even in this world wide web, but I don't think it's presumptuous to say that I can have an effect on the world around me.  Why should anyone care you might ask yourself, that's the point of the Garage Sale Blogging Network, you shouldn't care just like this network shouldn't gain any relevance but gain it shall and care you will.  As a young lava lamp I was raised to be observant and to try to please others.  When someone wanted me on they would only need to flip my switch and off I'd go but I refused to let anyone tell me how to split my fluorescent balls that float around and around mesmerizing all who watch me.  THAT was my individuality, the only relevance I could control in this world.  At 28 some might consider me to be past my prime, not quite considered a throwback but for sure no longer a centerpiece.  Every item you see in this garage sale fancies itself important, waiting for that opportunity to be welcomed into another's world...so give us all a shot and join us in getting the word out that new is fine for some but there can be no substitute for relevance.

The World According to a Seafood-Hater - Lava Lamp (Ari)

For millions of years our lakes, rivers and oceans having been providing humans with a consistent source of food.  I'm talking about simple creatures that mindlessly swim and crawl around in the water waiting for some expert fisherman or giant cage/net to snatch them up and turn them into a highly priced and ridiculously smelly main course.  Now I'm not taking the angle of an animal lover who can't bear to see harmless defenseless beings removed from their natural habitat for our stomach's pleasure because believe me I am more than willing to lead a cow into the slaughterhouse for an ounce of fresh beef.

My point is, people love Seafood and I get that, but why does every person who loves seafood have to be so utterly dumbfounded when they meet someone who perhaps does not enjoy the fishy taste of animals taken from our oceans.  I've met people in my lifetime who never thought it was possible to meet someone who didn't like seafood unless for allergic reasons.  Below is a typical conversation with one of these non-believers, T = them and M= me.

T:  So what's your favorite fish?

M:  I actually don't eat any seafood, and not for allergy reasons, it's just never really worked out.

T:  But you eat shrimp and lobster right?

M:  No, I don't eat any seafood at all; basically nothing that comes from the water goes in my mouth.

T:  Hold on, for reals, I don't believe you.

M:  I know I know, its not that I don't want to enjoy seafood but there is just something with the taste and smell that I can't get past. 

T:  Are you crazy, I mean when fried shrimp is all golden brown and delicious, or when lobster comes out with the melted butter ready to go you won't even try a bit.

M:  Believe me when I say that I have tried over and over but I basically don't like seafood and since it is expensive I'm not going to keep trying something I know I just don't like.

T:  OK, but I'm going to order this halibut, halibut is a very mild fish with a fantastic flavor, why don't you try some because I really think you'll like it.

M:  What about no don't you understand, I fell like this is food rape, I'm saying NO…I don't like seafood P-E-R-I-O-D.

T:  Maybe you'll just try it, a small piece.

For most of you reading this you probably feel that I'm exaggerating this conversation and at the same time you are thinking…he can't possibly dislike seafood.  There is something inherent in seafood lovers that won't let them take no for an answer, it gives them a never-say-die attitude. 

This problem is compounded when in a sushi restaurant with true sushi connoisseurs or as I call them Sushiophiles (think pedophiles but with sushi).  The situation is this; people who love sushi and want sushi at any given moment usually find a way to get groups to eat at sushi restaurants even if a few people in the group don't like sushi.  They take the aforementioned "never-say-die" attitude to the next level, more of an "if-I-don't-eat-sushi-every-day-the-world-will-end" platform.  The nice thing about sushi places is they always have a Bento Box, but that is only too easy of a choice until the Sushiophiles learn who the dissenters are.  Below are a few of the problems with sushi joints and Sushiophiles broken down into bullet points.

• Groups eating sushi love to split the tab, this now outcasts me in the separate bill zone cursed with watching arguments over who ordered the $20 Red Dragon Breathing Fire Roll.
• Sushi, unlike fish and shellfish, contains everyday food items that I love such as avocado and rice which prompts suggestions to try the roll with the avocado and oozing eel slivers…you like avocado right?
• Bento Boxes frequently come with a California Roll, now I'm paying for something so I'd rather substitute out for more chicken but the person next to me will invariably say…oh hey, I'll eat your California Roll, thanks dude.
• This last one bugs me the most, why do sushi rolls have the most delicious exotic sounding names, I mean seriously why am I tempted to eat something I know I'll dislike solely because it's called One Million Tasty Flavors Roll or Roll of Infinite Desires.

I have friends/family who like seafood and LOVE sushi and they've all learned to leave me out of the seafood conversation which is great and I totally appreciate it.  However, I know that any time I go out to eat at a restaurant with someone I don't know I will be forced to explain to this person why I don't eat seafood.  That in itself is why I have become a seafood hater, I am no longer satisfied with disliking the flavor I now resent the fact that it exists and that every day more and more people are turning against me and into seafood zombies incapable of the thought that I can exist.