I'd like to
take this time to respond to some of the key issues and questions that are
continuing to arise in reader's comments to my original blog soliciting semen
donors for my first baby.
First, this
isn't a thoughtless, spontaneous decision; there is a reason why I want my baby
to have only one parent. I had two
parents growing up who didn't live together and who didn't talk to each
other. I was conceived out of
love, but that love dissipated shortly after I was born. Even though both parents loved me and
tried to stay in my life as much as possible, I believe that I lived a much
more difficult childhood and adolescence because of this divide. As much as it would pain me to choose
one or the other (a decision I was forced to constantly make growing up), I
honestly think that my life would have been better – that I would have been
happier and undoubtedly healthier both emotionally and physically – if either
of my parents had raised me exclusively.
This isn't to say that I don't think that a loving two-parent household
isn't ideal; it certainly is. But
it's as easy to hope for that outcome as it is to find oneself alone and
fighting for custody or going through the gut-wrenching process of trying to
figure out which holidays you'll get to spend with your child. By having this child as a single
parent, the odds are greatest that he/she will know ONLY a very stable, secure,
loving home life, something that having two parents cannot guarante
There have also been a lot of questions about what I am looking
for in a donor. Granted the
circumstances, I am looking for someone who is not interested in being a part
of this child's life and who will be happy just donating their sperm and going
back to their routine life. I
suppose that there are certain circumstances where I would allow the father to
have some interaction with the child, but it wouldn't be in the capacity of a
father. Naturally, I would prefer
a donor without a strong family history of mental or physical disorders. As far as looks and other defining
characteristics, I suppose I will be preferable to donors who exhibit
characteristics of a man who I could imagine myself marrying and having a child
with. In my daydreams, this man
has darker features – brown hair and eyes – very kind eyes and a very sweet
smile. He is between 5'10" and
6'2" with a naturally well-proportioned physique but necessarily athletic. He is emotionally and mentally stable,
has a great sense of humor but is very serious about his life and his role in
the bigger picture.
That said, I've been reconsidering the type of donor who I
consider to be ideal for me at this point. Many readers have commented that adoption is a better way to
go; after all, if I really think that I can and want to give a child a healthy
and happy life, why not provide that to a child who otherwise might not have
any hope of that. I agree. This is a valid point, and I am fully
supportive of adoption in general as an alternative to conception, especially
for couples that cannot conceive due to reproductive difficulties. But for someone in my position, I think
that it may be more valuable to enable someone to procreate who might not
otherwise have the opportunity in his lifetime.
This is why I am hoping to find a donor who generally meets
my criteria but who also has no other (reasonable) means of procreating. Such a donor might be someone who is
older – 50+ - who never had children and doesn't think that they will have the
chance again (or who doesn't want the opportunity to be a father but wants to
keep their genes in the pool).
This donor might be someone who has suffered an accident that prevents
him from being a father (but doesn't preclude the production of semen). It may be someone who physically or
economically cannot support a child but who has good genes and wants to
reproduce. It may be someone who has suffered an externally-inflicted disease
or burns that rendered him deformed or otherwise unable to date/marry/have
children. I think that this might be the best
situation because it would satisfy my goal of having a baby in the near term
and also offer someone an opportunity that they may have very little other hope
of experiencing.
There have
also been a lot of comments that it seems like I shouldn't have a problem
finding a donor – or a husband I suppose. The first comment I'd like to make
about this is that I am who I present to be, picture and all. People who know
me will hopefully chime in and attest to that. But I'm very picky about who
gets to be part of my life, and I don't want to settle for a boyfriend or
husband right now just because I am ready to have a baby. It's not that I don't
like men or prefer to be alone, it's just that I've been with some truly
spectacular men who still haven't been right for me, and having a baby right
now is much more important to me than finding the right man. So why not give it some more time? I'm not looking to find Mr. Right. It's a common misconception that
everyone seeks a partner, that we are incomplete without one. But getting married is not a goal of
mine; having a happy family is. In
this day and age, there are many other ways to have that than those that are
traditionally held.
Thank you to
everyone who has kindly offered to help me in this endeavor and also for the
words of advice and encouragement.
I hope to make a decision about this very soon.
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Here is the general plan...if interested comment here or come meet us where we'll be at one of these locations!